Why My Wife Needs A Vacation

I have recently managed to aggravate my wife, a lot.

We (just me, really) smoked some ribs for a pot-luck luncheon at church. It was for a good cause, right?!

Well, after a month and a half, I got to looking at those nasty grates, and then the dishwasher, those nasty grates and then the dishwasher. You know, those nasty grates aren’t going to clean themselves!

Sure enough, after she went to bed, I answered the “siren song” and loaded up those nasty grates in the dishwasher. I doubled up on the soap. Maybe tripled. And, never having read the dishwasher instruction manual, I fumbled around till I found the super, extra-hot, sock-sanitizing setting and pressed “GO!”

My plan was fool-proof. Best case: after 2 hours and 73 minutes those nasty grates would be sparkling clean and she would never be the wiser. Worst case: if she did find out, those nasty grates would still be clean and all she could do is stomp her foot and complain.

Did I mention the “Worser” case? I hadn’t noticed that those nasty grates still had lump charcoal, leaves and other unmentionable grit and grime on them and the dishwasher choked. (Where is Ernest Angley, the Faith Healer, when you need him? “Evil spirits come out of that dishwasher! Heeeal! Heeeeeeal! Evil spirits come out!”) Darn dishwasher left me high and dry – with nasty grates, a nasty dishwasher and a wife with a nasty attitude!

Boy, I sure fooled her. I didn’t know that a 100-pound wife could yell so loud! And, that it would echo around the corner too! Did you know that it is possible for a 5 foot 2 inch woman to LOOK DOWN at a 5 foot 8 inch man? I didn’t – until Monday morning when she found out.

Sure enough, all that JUNK choked the drain/grinder mechanism and now I have a grimy, gritty, scummy, sticky dishwasher with NASTY GRATES in it, and the water is not going anywhere. The bubbles are though. I never would have guessed that such a small amount of soap could make such a large amount of bubbles!

I really don’t know what I am going to do. I really don’t. I may have to use the turkey baster to get all that water out. Or drink it myself.

Of course, our 5 pound white, furry, pure-bred dog thinks it is great. Tastes like rib soup to him. So, he keeps jumping up on the dishwasher door trying to get to it. Now, I have a soggy, rib-odored, bubble-blowing from both ends, nasty-grate colored mutt.

So, I think I will work late tonight – really, really late. And, I will probably get to work early tomorrow morning – really, really early. Heck, it just may be easier to sleep in my truck and not even go home.

I may even be vacationing by myself! Or walking to Florida.

Oh, and if something should happen and I die or disappear under mysterious circumstances while on vacation – shark attack, falling off the roller coaster, run-over by a moped, anything – with you as my witness – it was not an accident!

I hope they have a Husband Anonymous support group close by in Florida. I probably need at least 10 days worth while my wife is on vacation.

When, I shared this with a wise friend of mind, his advice was simple: Lowe’s – 12 months same as cash, next day delivery and installation. Oh, and next time use the car wash.

Until next time ….. Honey, how many bubbles come out of the washing machine when you do the laundry?

Free Bonus:

Who remembers the episode of the Brady Bunch when Bobby decided to do his laundry?

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